Session 7

The first step to solving a problem is to admit there is a problem. 

My problem is that I cannot cope with life. My best attempts have been met with failure, the pain of which I am acutely attuned to. 

It's a constant reminder of how inept I am at life. 

All the more profound given the expectations, crushing me to the point uselessness. Indulge in shameful habits and rituals to relieve my anxieties. Perpetuating my feelings of shame. 

There is a tension that I cannot sustain. It's like a staring contest with a well-practised opponent. He knows my weaknesses, has access to my deepest thoughts and is well-practised in the art. All the things that give him the edge, virtually guaranteeing that I always blink first.

With every loss, I am discouraged from facing up to it pondering the point of all this. 

If all that I have is meaninglessness, then there is no reason to fight. If there is no reason to fight, then I don't have to have any responsibilities. Perhaps I am afraid of responsibility. But why would I be afraid of responsibility? Probably because I have gained anything from taking responsibility. 

Its a subject I would like dedicate to a whole session on its own. But its significance to this entry is in the reaction I get for taking or attempting to take responsibility. There's a variety of responses, but the focus of this entry is on the act of shaming. It is an emotion I have never been fully equipped to handle.

When I was growing up, it was the tool used by the adults to force my compliance. It never worked, all it did was reinforce feelings of inferiority and resentment. With hardly any alternative model of behaviour to compete with it, I internalised this behaviour. With each mistake, I shamed myself mercilessly like a tyrant. Out of resentment, I indulged in self-destructive habits. Its also the reason I don't take constructive criticism well, or learn from my mistakes. 

I've considered this quite at length, and it has indeed occurred to me that the cure for this Illness might lie in forgiveness. My attitude to this idea is cynical because the to forgive and forget does not guarantee change. Not in my experience, but maybe I've had the wrong approach.  First of all, I focus too much on the externals. While that is necessary for change, it's beyond my control. The real change has to come from within, securing myself emotionally against it, whether in action or non-action. Thus, allowing me to truly 'Forget'. It's all in the mechanics, and that's the second part. As you may know, the point of memory is to address previous events for their meaning, especially bad memories. 

Usually, when we do, our reaction is automatic, which is only natural, considering how traumatic the event must have been. The more traumatic, the more internal pain caused, which, in my case, is an excess amount of shame. Which, as I previously described as leads to resentment. Internalised shame only amplifies the resentment one feels to himself. This feeling of judgement is akin to what Cain felt when his sacrifice was rejected by God. Being the personification of the ideal, Abel also serves as a judge. This reinforces the position of inferiority upon Cain, and like Cain, the destruction of the ideal becomes paramount. This perceived as an external response, but it also takes place within as its a duality that exists within. Leading to self-destructive behaviours until there are no ideals to strive for.

This is nihilistic and not a fair assessment of ourselves and our capacities. Often the highest expectations fail to account for our limitations and vulnerabilities as human beings.  One cannot embark upon perfection without taking that into account. It is the root of true forgiveness.

The other part of the equation is to forget. This is achieved through by working out the experience for a path to small, incremental development. 

Since I started trying this approach, felt less constrained to act in a manner in line with my highest ideals. It's easier to recognise the hindrances to my development. I have every confidence that this change will radically improve my life. 

And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and

cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee

that one of thy members should perish, and not

that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

Matthew 5:30

When reading the passage above, I considered how difficult and painful it would be to make changes necessary for growth. But every surgical activity requires a healthy dose of anaesthetic. With my new found attitude of forgiveness, I have every reason to believe I am closer to entering the kingdom of God.