Session 4

When I was young, I used to dream of becoming a lawyer. The idea came to me after the many times I spent watching Pretty Woman with my sister. I liked Richard Gere's character. He was sophisticated and wealthy. I also had a crush on Julia Roberts so I would do anything to be the guy kissing her at the end of her steps. 

It was also a great response to the adults who kept asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I enjoyed the validation I got, even though I had no idea what being a lawyer really might entail. Then one day, my Uncle caught me in a lie, and in a brutally honest fashion, he told me that If I wasn't a good enough liar to be a Lawyer. At least that's how I remember it. 

I thought nothing more of it, but it very well may have been that beginning of my fantasies being dismantled by reality. I keep going back to that moment everything I contemplate how my life hadn't turned out the way I had hoped. 

Freud had this idea that an adolescent mind acted primarily from a pleasure principle as a means of survival. As children, we're really all about the good life, seeking out pleasure wherever we can and avoiding pain at all costs. We're eternally at play, but inevitably, this protective bubble gets popped by reality. Through this, our mode of being is driven by the reality principle, where one wakes up from this dreamlike state and begins to conduct themselves consciously and pragmatically. Some go so far as to abandon any childlike inclinations we once had. This observation was made by Freud although he too was a practical man and profoundly pessimistic. 

I think the reason why people take practicalities to the extreme is that they lack the means to make their fantasies a reality. Society does not abide infantilism, and any attempt to retain one's youthful imagination is discarded as childish and impractical. This attitude is contradictory to what humanity has done. Without dreams and imagination, mankind would not be as advanced. It is the thing that keeps us, adaptive to the ever-changing circumstances. 

There is also the issue of expectations. A dream that does not account for the factors that would affect its manifestation is liable to fail. Such as one's individual principles, relationships, resources, competence and just plain old luck.

I never pursued my ambition of becoming a lawyer after that chat with my Uncle. In fact, I never had any aspirations as a child. I simply did as I was told, and any attempt at the personal agency was diminished by shaming, ridicule and punishment. There was no encouragement at all to be something better than I was. I didn't perform well at school because I had no incentive. So I never developed the skills I would need to be of any real utility to myself or anyone. I became a burden to myself, my friends, my family, and eventually to society. I've always felt like I was behind on everything, in fact, I still feel like I am. It wasn't until my twenties that I began to recognise the need to change things for myself. Again, I lacked the mentality, behaviour, principles and competencies to be able to manifest destiny. So I became disillusioned by everything, in fact, I abandoned most ideas or dreams of ever becoming more than I was. I was depressed for a long time, even contemplating suicide on multiple occasions. 

Nevertheless, all these experiences have made me all the more aware of the importance of dreams. With the degree of maturity, I have gained, I am also conscious of the need to root my ideas in truth, although, it's hard to do as you never quite know what's possible. But it means I have to be more selective of my individual, social and environmental influences. It helps to look at what works, for example, Elon Musk is a man with a big dream, he also has the history and competence to match that dream as well as the connections and resources to make that dream a reality. Something I admire about his ambitions is that he has a set of sub-goals aligned with his overarching goal of going to Mars. For example, his electric car company is also a platform for developing energy resources and AI that would eventually go into a spacecraft of facility that would be on mars. The Solar City could be the equivalent of a Mars-based given the technology being used. Neuralink could foster the sort of BMI that we may need to function in a hostile environment such as Mars, as we may need to control machines while in orbit. Speaking of Which, Starlink could be the precursor to Satelite navigation in space. 

I'm not Elon Musk, and his lofty ambitions may be too steep for me. Regardless, I also must foster a grand dream. If my life is any indication, a life devoid of dreams cannot be sustained. A significant challenge for me is to cultivate the individual aptitudes to pursue such grand ambitions. How I address this will be part of the ongoing narrative in these sessions.