Session 7

The first step to solving a problem is to admit there is a problem. 

My problem is that I cannot cope with life. My best attempts have been met with failure, the pain of which I am acutely attuned to. 

It's a constant reminder of how inept I am at life. 

All the more profound given the expectations, crushing me to the point uselessness. Indulge in shameful habits and rituals to relieve my anxieties. Perpetuating my feelings of shame. 

There is a tension that I cannot sustain. It's like a staring contest with a well-practised opponent. He knows my weaknesses, has access to my deepest thoughts and is well-practised in the art. All the things that give him the edge, virtually guaranteeing that I always blink first.

With every loss, I am discouraged from facing up to it pondering the point of all this. 

If all that I have is meaninglessness, then there is no reason to fight. If there is no reason to fight, then I don't have to have any responsibilities. Perhaps I am afraid of responsibility. But why would I be afraid of responsibility? Probably because I have gained anything from taking responsibility. 

Its a subject I would like dedicate to a whole session on its own. But its significance to this entry is in the reaction I get for taking or attempting to take responsibility. There's a variety of responses, but the focus of this entry is on the act of shaming. It is an emotion I have never been fully equipped to handle.

When I was growing up, it was the tool used by the adults to force my compliance. It never worked, all it did was reinforce feelings of inferiority and resentment. With hardly any alternative model of behaviour to compete with it, I internalised this behaviour. With each mistake, I shamed myself mercilessly like a tyrant. Out of resentment, I indulged in self-destructive habits. Its also the reason I don't take constructive criticism well, or learn from my mistakes. 

I've considered this quite at length, and it has indeed occurred to me that the cure for this Illness might lie in forgiveness. My attitude to this idea is cynical because the to forgive and forget does not guarantee change. Not in my experience, but maybe I've had the wrong approach.  First of all, I focus too much on the externals. While that is necessary for change, it's beyond my control. The real change has to come from within, securing myself emotionally against it, whether in action or non-action. Thus, allowing me to truly 'Forget'. It's all in the mechanics, and that's the second part. As you may know, the point of memory is to address previous events for their meaning, especially bad memories. 

Usually, when we do, our reaction is automatic, which is only natural, considering how traumatic the event must have been. The more traumatic, the more internal pain caused, which, in my case, is an excess amount of shame. Which, as I previously described as leads to resentment. Internalised shame only amplifies the resentment one feels to himself. This feeling of judgement is akin to what Cain felt when his sacrifice was rejected by God. Being the personification of the ideal, Abel also serves as a judge. This reinforces the position of inferiority upon Cain, and like Cain, the destruction of the ideal becomes paramount. This perceived as an external response, but it also takes place within as its a duality that exists within. Leading to self-destructive behaviours until there are no ideals to strive for.

This is nihilistic and not a fair assessment of ourselves and our capacities. Often the highest expectations fail to account for our limitations and vulnerabilities as human beings.  One cannot embark upon perfection without taking that into account. It is the root of true forgiveness.

The other part of the equation is to forget. This is achieved through by working out the experience for a path to small, incremental development. 

Since I started trying this approach, felt less constrained to act in a manner in line with my highest ideals. It's easier to recognise the hindrances to my development. I have every confidence that this change will radically improve my life. 

And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and

cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee

that one of thy members should perish, and not

that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

Matthew 5:30

When reading the passage above, I considered how difficult and painful it would be to make changes necessary for growth. But every surgical activity requires a healthy dose of anaesthetic. With my new found attitude of forgiveness, I have every reason to believe I am closer to entering the kingdom of God. 

Session 6

"The real gift of rejection is independence."

"Man is subject to change, and equally, change is subject to man. It is by his own capacity to observe and manipulate the conditions of change is the manner through which desirable change can be brought. Even the rate to which that change occurs is subject to the degree of influence man has over it."

There was this girl I used to like when I was in the Sixth form. For the purpose of this little exercise, let's call her Sarah. I don't exactly know why I fancied her, but it was a deep infatuation, that held a firm grip over me. I did everything I could to be next to her, thinking that maybe it might turn into something more than it was. I still believed in the Romantic ideals perpetuated by Romcoms and chick flicks of the time. That veil of bullshit would eventually be torn down when I finally grew the nerves to ask her out. Her response "You're not the kind of guy I see myself going out with". 
I was crushed by the experience, and for the longest time, I felt betrayed and humiliated by the experience. It brought about a profound feeling of resentment that permeated my being to my very core. Things were never the same for me after that, as I became increasingly withdrawn. I never spoke to her again after that. But more significantly, I didn't learn the lesson I should've from that whole experience. 
Infatuation and resentment shine a light of our vulnerabilities. But they also afford us the means to fortify ourselves. It is the cure to our eternal desperation. 
When I was young,  people told me that rejection builds character. I assumed that meant that we become desensitised to it. I never truly understood the real value.  To seek acceptance from others is to find fortifications against our own limitations. But often we are deemed insufficient, for whatever reason, rational or irrational.  
In my youth, I have often relinquished in despair, as I was never taught the value of independence. The collective consciousness has this tendency to promise security, all the while crushing you for your dependence on it. I had worked in several organisations where I have been told to ask for help when I needed it. Open a corporate magazine, and they ask you to 'always ask for help.'
But they never tell you the conditions through which that help is offered. Human beings are not naturally altruistic, and it is foolish to think otherwise. They only act altruistically in service to their own needs, and such demands are varied and inconsistent, most times irrational. As such, one cannot depend on the kindness of others, for it is rare a person of such attribute prospers. They are inevitable torn apart by their altruism, breeding resentment and hate in the process. By that token, be wary of those who preach altruistic and collectivistic sentiments. They tend to be far more prickly than they project themselves to be. They expect others to be generous but are themselves incapable of acting generously and are more prone to rejection. 
The only generous conduct is to strive for one's own independence and integrate as best as possible, much of the resources to secure oneself from the chaos of existence.
A story that illustrates this is how Elon Musk went about building SpaceX. Initially, he had reached out to the Russians to acquire Space rockets. Perhaps due to the high price of the space rockets and or general aloofness, it was clear that the Russians didn't take him seriously. They rejected him and locked him out from ever acquiring any space rockets. But Elon Musk had a vision, and what he did next is inspired. Undeterred, he went about building his own Rockets. He did the research, developed rocket designs and prototypes far cheaper and technologically sophisticated. After years of Trial and error, they won a contract with Nasa to transport resources to the satellites. This eventually culminated in the historic launch of May 27th 2020.  
They achieved this mainly through self-reliance and integration of some of the essential components that would inevitably see the advent of commercially viable space travel. 
In summary, rejection is the precursor to independence. Still, it requires vision, belief and reliance in ones ability to harness the agents of chaos in service to individual ambitions. 
That last part is crucial. 

Session 5

One Sabbath Jesus was going through the grainfields, and as his disciples walked along, they began to pick some heads of grain. The Pharisees said to him, "Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?"

He answered, "Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need? In the days of Abiathar, the high priest, he entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which is lawful only for priests to eat. And he also gave some to his companions."

Then he said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So, the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath."

 

Mark 2:23-28

I used to play football a lot when I was a kid. Some of my favourite childhood memories was playing four corners on our main street back in Nigeria. Four aside for those of you who don't know is a game of football that involves four players, with their goal posts placed in a diamond shape in a small area. Each player had to man their goalposts and while trying to score in the other goal post. The main rule was, you only get two touches on the ball. If a goal went through, you had to make way for the remaining set of players in an elimination style tournament. It was fun because it was simple. What was remarkable was the impressive display of skill it took to score, such as keeping the ball from touching the ground, requiring a high level of ball control.

Rules matter, they govern the way things are done and provide stability in an otherwise chaotic set of circumstances. But at what point do the rules start to be dogmatic, restrictive and degenerative? In a lot of cases, it serves as a tool of oppression as collectives are plunged to tyrannies. This happens when vigilance gives way to willful blindness and cowardice as members abandon their will. But can you blame them when they are threatened by shaming, exile and even death? 

Forced to live this way, they inevitably forget why they subscribed to such a mode of being. Pitty for those born into it, for they don't know any better, so they perpetuate the life, like sheep to the slaughter. Forced by corrupt individuals fattened by their ill-gotten powers to live under their will. The more are intuitive are torn apart by the internal conflict. With no vision to inspire them, they eventually lash out in self and mutual destruction. All attempts to manifest individual destiny suppressed into silence, like the whisper of the last breath. 

It is not in human nature to be silenced. We yearn for expression and dream of transcendence, to go beyond our limitations for a better future. To make something of a painful existence that we never asked for. We do so with ingenuity and creativity, in whatever way we find meaningful, revivifying the community and evolving beyond our naturally imposed limitation. This desire for expression and realisation is innate, even Dostoevsky during his incarceration recognised this amongst prisoners who had for years been ruthlessly crushed by the oppressive restriction lashed out in defiance. As I understand, that experience henceforth, influenced him, and no doubt elevated his work into a timeless category. 

Perhaps the forefathers recognised this when they wrote the American Declaration of Independence, proclaiming that All men are created equal with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. It would eventually be defined by James Truslow Adams in 1931 as the American dream.

"Life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement" regardless of social class or circumstances of birth."

Without rules, there would be chaos, but too much of it and the rejuvenating will of man is stifled. All that is left is but a walking corpse. It is in the best interest of the individual to follow the rules. Yet he must stay vigilant to ensure the rules are in service to him. If the rules cannot be questioned and the authorities cannot be questioned, rest assured no liberties will be afforded. 

Session 4

When I was young, I used to dream of becoming a lawyer. The idea came to me after the many times I spent watching Pretty Woman with my sister. I liked Richard Gere's character. He was sophisticated and wealthy. I also had a crush on Julia Roberts so I would do anything to be the guy kissing her at the end of her steps. 

It was also a great response to the adults who kept asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I enjoyed the validation I got, even though I had no idea what being a lawyer really might entail. Then one day, my Uncle caught me in a lie, and in a brutally honest fashion, he told me that If I wasn't a good enough liar to be a Lawyer. At least that's how I remember it. 

I thought nothing more of it, but it very well may have been that beginning of my fantasies being dismantled by reality. I keep going back to that moment everything I contemplate how my life hadn't turned out the way I had hoped. 

Freud had this idea that an adolescent mind acted primarily from a pleasure principle as a means of survival. As children, we're really all about the good life, seeking out pleasure wherever we can and avoiding pain at all costs. We're eternally at play, but inevitably, this protective bubble gets popped by reality. Through this, our mode of being is driven by the reality principle, where one wakes up from this dreamlike state and begins to conduct themselves consciously and pragmatically. Some go so far as to abandon any childlike inclinations we once had. This observation was made by Freud although he too was a practical man and profoundly pessimistic. 

I think the reason why people take practicalities to the extreme is that they lack the means to make their fantasies a reality. Society does not abide infantilism, and any attempt to retain one's youthful imagination is discarded as childish and impractical. This attitude is contradictory to what humanity has done. Without dreams and imagination, mankind would not be as advanced. It is the thing that keeps us, adaptive to the ever-changing circumstances. 

There is also the issue of expectations. A dream that does not account for the factors that would affect its manifestation is liable to fail. Such as one's individual principles, relationships, resources, competence and just plain old luck.

I never pursued my ambition of becoming a lawyer after that chat with my Uncle. In fact, I never had any aspirations as a child. I simply did as I was told, and any attempt at the personal agency was diminished by shaming, ridicule and punishment. There was no encouragement at all to be something better than I was. I didn't perform well at school because I had no incentive. So I never developed the skills I would need to be of any real utility to myself or anyone. I became a burden to myself, my friends, my family, and eventually to society. I've always felt like I was behind on everything, in fact, I still feel like I am. It wasn't until my twenties that I began to recognise the need to change things for myself. Again, I lacked the mentality, behaviour, principles and competencies to be able to manifest destiny. So I became disillusioned by everything, in fact, I abandoned most ideas or dreams of ever becoming more than I was. I was depressed for a long time, even contemplating suicide on multiple occasions. 

Nevertheless, all these experiences have made me all the more aware of the importance of dreams. With the degree of maturity, I have gained, I am also conscious of the need to root my ideas in truth, although, it's hard to do as you never quite know what's possible. But it means I have to be more selective of my individual, social and environmental influences. It helps to look at what works, for example, Elon Musk is a man with a big dream, he also has the history and competence to match that dream as well as the connections and resources to make that dream a reality. Something I admire about his ambitions is that he has a set of sub-goals aligned with his overarching goal of going to Mars. For example, his electric car company is also a platform for developing energy resources and AI that would eventually go into a spacecraft of facility that would be on mars. The Solar City could be the equivalent of a Mars-based given the technology being used. Neuralink could foster the sort of BMI that we may need to function in a hostile environment such as Mars, as we may need to control machines while in orbit. Speaking of Which, Starlink could be the precursor to Satelite navigation in space. 

I'm not Elon Musk, and his lofty ambitions may be too steep for me. Regardless, I also must foster a grand dream. If my life is any indication, a life devoid of dreams cannot be sustained. A significant challenge for me is to cultivate the individual aptitudes to pursue such grand ambitions. How I address this will be part of the ongoing narrative in these sessions.  

Session 3

Why do we apologise? 

I say sorry a lot, sometimes for the most mundane thing. I learnt that growing up from the many instances when I was told to say sorry for doing something that was 'bad'. Maybe that was warranted back then, but most things are justified when you are young, and you don't know any better. People tell you anything, and you do it because you cling to them for your survival. Except for the folks in question are themselves fighting to survive. They are a subject to a society that requires their subjugation to prosper. Given the community in question, it's hard to say that anyone was on the right path. People have done horrific things in the name of social good.

In some other cases, the people you are dependent are influential, controlling and in many cases, predatory. Jeffrey Epstein is an extreme case, for example. I've been watching a documentary on Netflix. The unnerving thing is how willingly a lot of these girls participated in the whole affair, in many cases, luring other girls to the same trap. Yet they are labelled victims. There is no accountability taken, and that irks me.  But I understand, all too well. The adults in our lives never raised us to be accountable or responsible. They didn't raise us to be free thinkers, strong and independent. They were Sheep, and like sheep, they imbued their offspring with the same sheep-like tendencies. So when the lion came, they were taken with ease. 

I think I am getting off track, here so let's get back to the question.

Why do people apologise? It brings to mind a wolf in submission to an Alpha. A beta shows its belly to the pack leader as a sign of resignation,  further reinforcing the status of the Alpha in their position.  

But even Alphas have darks sides and are themselves capable of a great deal of incompetence and stupidity. It brings to mind the story of Cain and Abel. By all intents and purposes, Abel is the Alpha as chosen by God and Cain, whose sacrifice is not accepted is deemed the inferior man. So he slew his brother out of resentment. I wonder what would have been if Cain simply ignored the status quo and instead directed his efforts on his own self-fulfilment. 

Again I feel I am getting off track...

Ever since I was raised like Sheep, I have been inclined to act as one in every facet of my life, and that has made me susceptible to all manner of manipulations by a seasoned predator. That has made me angry and resentful. Towards the status quo and has put me at odds with authority figures of any kind. But I am not just a victim, I too am responsible for relinquishing myself to the tyranny of evil men (and women). 

So what must one do in the face of it? Do I destroy my ideals? Do I apologise and ask for forgiveness?

Questions do need to be asked of authority to understand the reason behind its intentions. One must be willing to reject its aims if it fails to live up to my goals. 

One thing is for certain, it helps to be informed, formidable and competent. To be informed is to understand the game being played, and to be formidable is to have the capacity to say No and to have the ability to secure other options. Without any of these, one is left with nothing else but to apologise. 
It is an act of insecurity, a desire for safety when one is exposed and weak. There is nothing more dangerous than weakness. It breeds resentment, then hate, and finally destruction. So what is the cure? I'll save that for another post.